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Husband and Wife Jokes | Part 4

Why does psychoanalysis work quicker with men than with women? Because when it's time to return to one’s childhood, the man is already there.

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A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can’t you do the same?”

“Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”




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Why is it called the PMS? 

Because the Mad Cow Disease was taken.


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I was looking for that thing that peels potatoes, apples and carrots.

 I’ve asked my kids if they had any idea. Apparently she left 2 days ago.


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I don’t think you can trust anything that bleeds for five days and yet doesn’t die.Five Qualities of a Good Woman:
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1. You should have a woman who works at home, who cooks, keeps things tidy and has a job. 

2. You should have a woman who can make you smile and laugh. 

3. You should have a woman you can trust, a woman who never lies to you. 

4. You should have a woman who is good in bed and enjoys spending time with you. 

5. And you should always, always keep these four women from ever meeting each other.
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 Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.

Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”

15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
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The most successful wives don’t just randomly select their husbands. They pick them. Clean to the bone.
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My new wife left me because of my huge insecurity problems.

Oh no, hang on, she’s back. She just went to the bathroom!
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My friend got herself a puppy. It’s so incredibly cute and playful! Unfortunately her husband is allergic so it really doesn’t work out. 

If you’re interested, please send a message. His name is Marcel, he’s 54 years old and he weighs 216 pounds.
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Judge: Why on Earth did you hit your husband with a chair?
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Wife: Because the table was too heavy.
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Women are so funny sometimes. They think that their long silences or “I won’t talk to you” attitudes is actually a punishment.
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‘Darling, would you save me if I jumped into the water?' 

‘Honey, if I say yes, will you jump?'
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A husband asks his wife:
If I died, would you marry again?
Oh darling, of course I wouldn’t. I’d go and live with my sister. And if I died, would you remarry?
No, I think I’d go and live with your sister too.
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A fortune teller asks a woman: “So, you came to know your husband’s future?”

“No way, tell me about his past, then I’ll decide about his future!!”
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If it's true that girls will probably marry men who resemble their fathers, it would explain why so many mothers cry at weddings.
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Good news: Your wife is pregnant, yay!

Bad news: She’s expecting triplets.

Terrible news: You’ve had vasectomy…
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Good news: Your wife won’t talk to you.

Bad news: She wants a divorce.

Terrible news: She’s a lawyer…
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A woman visits a well-known witch. She asks the witch if she has something to help her break a curse that was cast against her about 8 years ago. The witch asks, “What sort of a curse was it, then?” The woman said, “It went, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’.
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”If you and I were on a sinking ship, and there was but one life vest... I cannot express how much I would miss you.
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They say a minute of laughter adds five minutes to your life.

That explains why God, after having created Man, lives forever.

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