Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
teacher student jokes

Teacher: can anyone name three Kings that brought happiness and peace to earth?
Student: drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king!

Girls with Curly Hair Vs. Girls with Straight Hair. I wish I had straight hair. I wish I had Curly Hair. Boys: I just want hair on my head.

Girls with Curly Hair Vs. Girls with Straight Hair

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.

The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.


.the other is used to carry groceries.

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy."Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half-hour ago."

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandary.

.. He felt different yet.

.. couldn't figure why.

.. he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers.

.. He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name.


The chief answered in his typically poetic way.

.."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest.

.. and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."Then, the boy said to the Chief.

.. And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky.


The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name.

.. And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.


. White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy.

.."Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

British Military Officer Fitness ReportsThe British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's".



- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion, this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma."Elation," said she."And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."

He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

Q: What's the difference between a knife and a woman arguing? 
A: A knife has a point 

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman? 
A: A battery has a positive side 

Q: How do you blind a woman? 
A: You put a windshield in front of her 

Q: What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches? 
A: Single 

Q: What do you call a letter from a feminist? 
A: Hate male 

My girlfriend told me to see things from a woman's point of view, so I looked out the kitchen window. 

Q: What type of food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? 
A: Wedding cake 

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant? 
A: Marry her 

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a woman with PMS? 
A: Lipstick 

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a brick? 
A: When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks 

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch? 
A: You don't, there's a clock on the oven 

Q: How do you know that beer contains female hormones? 
A: If you drink two or three, you can't drive properly anymore and start talking nonsense

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? 
A: Put a nipple on it 

Q: Why do women have such small feet? 
A: So they can stand closer to the oven 

Q: What takes up 12 parking spaces? 
A: 6 Women drivers 

Q: Why are there no female astronauts on the moon? 
A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet 

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? 
A: Because they don't have balls 

Q: How is a woman like a condom? 
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick 

Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? 
A: A $100 bill 

Q: Why did God make women? 
A: You think he's gonna wash the dishes? 

Q: What is a wife? 
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done. 

Q: Why do women love reaching climax in bed? 
A: Because it gives them another reason to moan! 

Q: What do you call a woman with no clitoris? 
A: It doesn't matter, she's not going to come 

Q: How is a woman like an airplane? 
A: Both have cockpits

Q: What do you call a woman who will gives head for a pair of Jimmy Choos? 
A: Head Over Heels 

Q: How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? 
A: She fits into your wife's clothes 

Q: Why do women like to have sex with the lights off? 
A: They can't stand to see a man have a good time! 

Q: Why did God give men penises? 
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up 

Q: Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? 
A: Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking 

A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad. 

Q: Why is life like a penis? 
A: Women make it hard! 

Q: What do you call a girl with PMS and ESP? 
A: A bitch who thinks she knows everything 

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator? 
A: A refrigerator doesn't moan when you put meat in it 

Q: What book do women like the most? 
A: Their husband's checkbook! 

Female Viagra has been around for years... it's called money! 

Always love a woman for her personality. She has ten you can choose from. 

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay? 
A: They don't have time

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other. 

Relationships are like fat people... Most of them don't work out.

I'm in shape... Unfortunately, it's the shape of a potato. 

I failed my driver's test today. The instructor asked me "What do you do at a red light?" I said "I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook." 

Old people at weddings always poke me and say "you're next". So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. 

Running away doesn't help you with your problems... unless you're fat. 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. 

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood. 

I changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so that whenever I forget, it will tell me, "Your password is incorrect." 

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad. 

I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems. 

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it? 

People say love is the best feeling, but I think finding a toilet when you've got diarrhea is better.

Damn, I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 10 years in a row now... 

Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug. 

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. 

Saw some footage of polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake, everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola. 

"Don't kid yourself" would be a great slogan for a condom company. 

If you were home alone, and you heard a fart, would you be scared or laugh? 

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to...Unless you're in prison! 

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons. 

If I die in my sleep, at least I can actually say that I died doing what I loved. 

Behind every girl’s selfie are approximately 43 nearly identical photos that just didn’t cut it.

Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your songs. When I'm driving, it scares the crap out of me. 

Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping. 

If your boyfriend remembers your eye color after the first date, then you probably have small boobs. 

Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid? 

I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding. 

My wife left me for a Hindu guy. At least he'll treat her better... they worship cows. 

If only God can judge us, then Santa has some explaining to do.

Don't be racist, be like Super Mario. He's an Italian plumber, created by Japanese people, who speaks English, and looks like a Mexican. 

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. 

I wish you would eat some makeup so that you’re pretty on the inside too!

Today I saw something through a store window that was truly stunning, beautiful and sexy. I wanted to get it for you, but then I realized it's my own reflection! 

I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way. 

Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face! 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks. 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'. 

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 

I farted in the Apple store and everyone yelled at me. It's not my fault they don't have Windows! 

Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.

I just saw an Apple store get robbed... does that make me an iWitness? 

The last thing I want to do is hurt you... but it's still on the list. 

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake an entire relationship! 

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. 

You spend the first 2 years of a child's life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. 

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? 

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments. 

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it? 

Women say childbirth is the most painful thing... obviously they have never stepped on a Lego. 

In about 20 years, the hardest thing our kids will have to do is find a username that isn't taken. 

Boobs are just proof that men can focus on two things at once. 

If Apple were to ever make a car... would it have Windows? 
Why do medications never have any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medicine bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness" 

Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them. 

I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as if it might be something else, like a penguin. 

Shout out to my fingers, I can always count on them. 

I'm a huge fan of 50 Cent, or as he's known in Zimbabwe, "Three Hundred Million Dollars." 

I'm looking to buy a new boomerang, how can I throw the old one out? 

No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid. 

I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror. 

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. 

Assassins are impressive. Its not the killing part that impresses me... its that they figured out a way to fit "ass" into the same word twice. 

If you bring a gun to the pharmacy, you can get drugs without a doctor's prescription. 

Say "I won a math debate" really fast. 

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his iPod?

If man evolved from monkeys, how come we still have monkeys? 

How do you handcuff a one-armed man? 

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, you've had enough. 

Girls Fall in love with what they hear, and guys fall in love with what they see. That's why girls wear make up and guys lie! 

I named my dog "5 miles", so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day. 

I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account, so I just go around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times... I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops. 

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side. 

I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person... and that person drinks a lot. 

Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like. 

I'm naming my TV remote Waldo for obvious reasons. 

I accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I guess I'm taking this shit to a whole new level. 

Husbands and boyfriends are the best people to share secrets with… They'll never tell anyone, because they aren't even listening. 

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. 

I got 99 problems... but I'm going to take a nap and ignore them all. 

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

If someday we all go to prison for downloading music illegally, I hope they split us up by music genres. 

Plastic surgery is the work-out routine for the rich. 

Time flies whether or not you're having fun. 

Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally. 

The thesaurus is where we find big words for the ones people actually understand. 

Some people cause happiness wherever they go... others cause happiness whenever they go. 

Someone gave me the wrong directions to a massage parlor, and it rubbed me the wrong way.

A stinky man walks into a bar. Unfortunately it isn't of soap. 

I accidentally broke my Irish friend's Pixar movie. He wasn't amused, but he did say "You cracked me Up." 

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk. 

My vacuum broke in the middle of cleaning and I can't tell if the situation sucks or not. 

Shout "out" to baseball players who get three strikes. 

I hate change, but I also hate change. So if the US gets rid of pennies and nickels I'm not sure how I'll feel. 

My body is like a dictionary filled with blank pages: thick and no definition. 

When I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday she said 'Just gimme something with diamonds.' That's why I got her a pack of cards. 

I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane. 

If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good. 

I don't always procrastinate, but when I do, I'll do it tomorrow. 

If God sneezes, what should you say? 

Is it still illegal to park next to a fire hydrant, even if your car is on fire? 

Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can truly feel it's warmth. 

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. 

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and I. After all, I'm a Scorpio and she's a bitch. 

Never make fun of a fat guy with a lisp... He's probably thick and tired of it. 

A skinny guy with a six-pack is like a fat girl with big tits.. It doesn't count. 

Did you ever hear about that movie "Constipation"? It never came out. 

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. 
"The problem with quotes from the Internet, is that you can never truly verify their authenticity." 
-Abraham Lincoln 

If it's the thought that counts, think money. 

Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side? He's alright now! 

What's a library? Is that like a big kindle? 

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? 

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 

My room isn't dirty, I just have everything on display. 

When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny? 

If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest? 

If you are bald, what hair color do they put on your driver's license?

Relationships are like farting, if you push too hard, things could get messy real fast. 

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 

Life is like Toilet paper... you're either on a roll or taking crap from some asshole. 

An old lady at the bank asked me if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over. 

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Fart and they'll stop laughing. 

Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 

"Do Not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive." 
-Elbert Hubbard 

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else." 
-Margaret Mead 

"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired." 
-Jules Renard 

"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese." 
-Luis Bunuel 

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." 
-Mark Twain 

"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy." 
-Benjamin Franklin 

"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." 
-Isaac Asimov 

"We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know." 
-W. H. Auden 

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity." 
-Albert Einsten 

"If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month." 
-Theodore Roosevelt 

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." 
-Mark Twain 

"I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you." 
-Robin Williams 

"I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me." 
-Warren Buffett 

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it." 
-Terry Pratchett 

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." 
-Jim Carrey 

"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people." 
-Rodney Dangerfield 

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." 
-Steve Martin 

"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific." 
-Jane Wagner 

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party." 
-Ron White 

"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday." 
-Don Marquis 

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone." 
-Anthony Burgess 

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often." 
-Oliver Herford 

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car."
-Bob Monkhouse

"At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?"
-Zach Galifianakis

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."
-Rita Rudner

"If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal."
- Emma Goldman

"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them." 
-Mitch Hedberg 

"Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late."
- Benjamin Franklin

"Children are smarter than us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children." 
-Bill Hicks 

"The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about" 
-Evan Esar 

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right." 
-Ashleigh Brilliant 

"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before." 
-Mae West 

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" 
-Robin Williams 

"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. " 
-Jerry Seinfeld 

"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three." 
-Laurence J. Peter 

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." 
-Rodney Dangerfield 

"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens." 
-Woody Allen 

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot." 
-Groucho Marx 

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?" 
-Phyllis Diller 

"I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want–an adorable pancreas?" 
-Jean Kerr 

"I’ve been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious." 
-Steven Wright 

"Hard work pays off in the end, but laziness pays off now." 
-Al Lubel 

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”

Because every play has a cast.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

I invented a new word!


What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

Ek din shere ko death bijli(chatyaang) bata vayexa. Tarr usko laas muskurako thiyo.

Yamraj le shere sanga sodhyo:-   marda kheri kina muskurako?

Shere:-  Malai laagyo ki koi mero photo kheechi raaxa. Ani tehi vayera smile poz deko.

Shere ko aama biraami hunu vayexa . 

Shere aafno aama lai liyera hospital gayo.

Doctor le jaache paxi vanyo:-  tapaiko aama ko kehi test linu parxa.

Shere:- hey bhagwan aba ke hune ho. Mero aama ta anpadh(illiterate) hunu hunxa.

(In a restauarant)
Waiter:-Your Bill Sir.
Shere:-Take My Card.
Waiter:-But Sir, yo ta tapaiko bihe ko card ho.
Shere:- Teso vaye baahira kina lekheko ta "ALL CARDS ACCEPTED".

Ek din bhagwan aaunu vayo ra shere ra mundre lai vannu vayo:- vana timi haru lai ke chahiyo ma timi haruko
3-3 ota wish pura gari dinxu.
1st wish
Mundre:- ma ra shere baahek yo tol maa vayeka sabai keta lai keti banai dinus.
Shere:- malai euta helmet dinus.
Bhagwan:- tathaastu.
2nd wish
Mundre:- yo paari ko tol maa vayeka sabai keta lai keti banai dinus.
Shere:- malai euta motor bike dinus.
3rd wish
Mundre:- ma ra shere baahek yo nepal kai sabai keta lai keti banai dinus.
Shere helmet lagaayera bike start gardai:- yo mundre lai chahi gay banai dinus.

Shere to hotel manager:- mero wife jhyaal bata haam faalera suicide garna laagi.
Manager:- so, what can i do?
Shere:- haraami saale, kun system waala jhyaal lagaako khuldai khuldaina. Jaa baru chito gayera jhyaal kholde.

Shere:- timi ta kati raamro geet gauda rahexau.
Girl(makhha hudai):- hoina hoina. Ma ta bathroom singer maatra ho.
Shere:- teso vaye malai pani kahile kahi timro live programme maa bolauna

Dhoti:- ma udi raheko chara(bird) ko aakha futauna sakxu.
Shere:- ma tehi chara(bird) ko haemoglobin ko protein ko sekthal ko RBC hydrogen bond futauna sakxu.
Dhoti:- hatteri, timi ta serious po vayexa. Maile ta majaak po gareko.

शेरेको बुढी : डाक्टर साहाब
यस्तो औषधी दिनुस मेरो
क्ष्रीमानको लागि एक महिना सम्म खडा नहुने
अनि मेरो लागि एक महिना सम्म गर्भ नरहने !!
डक्टर : किन नि त्यस्तो ??
शेरेको बुढी : एक महिना को लागि म माईत जादैछु!!

Shere to mahadev:- prabhu tapaiko trishul khoi ta?
Mahadev:- rajesh hamal le lageko xa.
Shere:- kina?
Mahadev:- chaumin khaana re.

Shere:- yaar chhito uth bhukamp aayo. Ghar ladna laagyo. Chhito uth
Mundre:- sut sut. Ghar haamro hoina kyaare. Ghar lade ghar maalik kai ta ladxa ni. Haamro ke jaanxa ra.

Shere to hotel manager:- mero wife jhyaal bata haam faalera suicide garna laagi.
Manager:- so, what can i do?

Shere:- haraami saale, kun system waala jhyaal lagaako khuldai khuldaina. Jaa baru chito gayera jhyaal kholde.

Ek din bhagwan aaunu vayo ra shere ra mundre lai vannu vayo:- vana timi haru lai ke chahiyo ma timi haruko
3-3 ota wish pura gari dinxu.
1st wish
Mundre:- ma ra shere baahek yo tol maa vayeka sabai keta lai keti banai dinus.
Shere:- malai euta helmet dinus.
Bhagwan:- tathaastu.
2nd wish
Mundre:- yo paari ko tol maa vayeka sabai keta lai keti banai dinus.
Shere:- malai euta motor bike dinus.
3rd wish
Mundre:- ma ra shere baahek yo nepal kai sabai keta lai keti banai dinus.
Shere helmet lagaayera bike start gardai:- yo mundre lai chahi gay banai dinus.

(In a restauarant)
Waiter:-Your Bill Sir.
Shere:-Take My Card.
Waiter:-But Sir, yo ta tapaiko bihe ko card ho.
Shere:- Teso vaye baahira kina lekheko ta "ALL CARDS ACCEPTED".

Shere ko aama biraami hunu vayexa . Shere aafno aama lai liyera hospital gayo.
Doctor le jaache paxi vanyo:- tapaiko aama ko kehi test linu parxa.
Shere:- hey bhagwan aba ke hune ho. Mero aama ta
anpadh(illiterate) hunu hunxa.

Ek din shere ko death bijli(chatyaang)
bata vayexa. Tarr usko laas
muskurako thiyo.
Yamraj le shere sanga sodhyo:-marda kheri kina muskurako?
Shere:- Malai laagyo ki koi mero photo kheechi raaxa.
Ani tehi vayera smile poz deko.

Shere ko hajurbuwa:- haamro paala maa 5 rupaiya maa aafulai chahine ke ke saamaan ho, sabai authyo.
Shere:- tapaiko paala ra haamro paala dherai nai farak xa. Ahile ta dherai pasal haru maa Cc tv camera raakhna thali sakexan.

Shere: 99% girls are beautiful...the rest of them study in my class!
Girl: 99% of boys are smart ..the rest of them say ..99% of girls my class..........

सेरे 45 बर्षको उमेरमा केटी माग्न
त्यो पनि बिर्खे चाहीं लमी ( बिहे
को कुरो चलाउने मूख्य मान्छे)
सेरे र बिर्खे जब केटी को घर पुगे
बिर्खे- (सेरेलाई देखाउंदै) ल हेर्नुहोस
हजुर केटा उही हो।
सेरेलाई देख्दै केटी की आमा बेहोस ।
होस आए पछि
बिर्खे- हजुर लाई के भयो? सन्चो छैन
की कसो??
केटी की आमा- यो मान्छे त 22 बर्ष
पहिले मलाई नी माग्न आएको थियो।

शिक्षक: गृहकार्य किन नगरेको ?
शेरेको छोरो : बिजुली थिएन ।
शिक्षक: मैनबत्ति बाल्नुपर्दैन ?
शेरेको छोरो: सलाई थिएन ।
शिक्षक: किन ?
शेरेको छोरो: पुजा कोठामा राखेको थिएँ

शिक्षक: अनि ल्याए भैहाल्थ्यो नि !
शेरेको छोरो: नुहाएको थिईन ।
शिक्षक: किन ननुहाएको त ?
शेरेको छोरो: पानी थिएन ।
शिक्षक: अरे यार ! किन पानी थिएन त
नि ?
शेरेको छोरो: मोटर चलेको थिएन ।
शिक्षक: के भएर मोटर चलेन ?
शेरेको छोरो: तेरो खप्पर !!
साला गजनी को सन्तान
अघि बिजुली थिएन भनेको हैन
शेरेको छोरो Rocks शिक्षक Sucks

शेरेले एकदिन मौका पारेर एउटी केटीलाई पर्पोज गर्यो ।
शेरे : म तिमीलाई पहिलै देखि मन पराउँछु । के तिमी मलाई मन पराउँछौं ? के तिमी मसँग लब गर्छौं ?

तब केटीले लजाए जस्तो गर्दै जवाफ दिइ : हुन्छ । म पनि तिमीलाई मन पराउँछु ।

तर त्यो सुन्ने बित्तिकै शेरे एक्कासी केटीलाई छोडेर घरतिर कुद्न थाल्यो ।

केटीले कराउँदै भनि : कहाँ दगुरेको ?

शेरेले पछाडी हेर्दै दगुर्दै भन्यो : फेसबुकमा in relationship स्टाटस अपडेट गर्न

शेरेले एकदिन बुढिलाई बोलायो ।
एक पेक रक्सी बनायो र बुढिलाई यो पिइ भन्यो ।
बुढिले अलिकति मुखमा हालि र मुख
बिगार्दै भनि, ‘छि छि के हो यस्तो । कस्तो नमिठो ।’
तब शेरेले भन्यो, ‘देखिस् ।
तेरो बुढोले कति न मिठो मिठो खार आउँछ भन्ने
सोचेको थिस् नि ।
कम गाह्रो छ हामीलाई ..

Shere ra Shere ko budi jhagada gardai….

Shere ko budi (risaudai) : Timi sanga bihe garnu bhanda baru rakshas sanga bihe gareko bhaye malie yeti tension hudaina thiyo hola……………

Shere: Hasauche mori aafnai daju-bhai sanga ne bihe garna milcha ra ?? :D

Shere Rocked

Sere at bar in New York.
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single" 
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sere says - "Sere Singh Married"

अमेरिकाबाट गाऊँमा हर्केलाइ फोनमा फुर्ति लाऊँदै शेरे,
शेरे: ओबामालाइ चिन्छस?..
हर्के: चिन्दिन
शेरे: अमेरिका आए पो चिन्थिस, एन्जेलिना जोलीलाइ नि?.
हर्के: अहँ चिन्दिन
शेरे: अंग्रेजी फिल्म हेरे पो चिन्थिस, रिहानालाइ नि?..
हर्के: चिन्दिन
शेरे: अंग्रेजी गीत सुने पो चिन्थिस, लन्ठु शेरेका कुरा सुनेर हर्के झन्कींदै भन्यो ‘बिर्खेलाई चिन्छस?..
शेरे: अहँ चिन्दिन यार
हर्के: तेरै स्वास्नीको boy friend हो, कहिल्यै घर बसे पो चिन्थिस..

Sere bankma poisa jamma garna
Cashier: Sorry sir!!!! Tapaele dinu
vayeko poisa dublicate ho!! Ma yo
poisa tapaeko accountma halna
Sere: Sale khate!!! Account mero
ho...... M0h orginal halum ki
dublicate halum..... Talai k
matlab??? Khurukka aafno kaam

सेरे आतिदै हस्पिटमा पुगेर
सेरे- डाक्टर साब घर गएर जांचेको कति फिस लाग्छ?
डाक्टर- एक छिन सोचेर 200रुपैयां
सेरे- ल छिटो जाउं डाक्टर साब
डाक्टर ले बाईक निकाल्यो र सेरेलाई पछाडी राखेर कुदायो। घर पुगेपछि 
डाक्टर - खै काहां छ बिरामी?
सेरे- बिरामी सिरामी केही हैन साला ट्याक्सी ड्राईभर 500 रुपैयां माग्दैथ्यो। यी यो लिनुस् 200. :D :D

बाउ : बाबु यस पाली को exam मा ८८ % भन्दा माथि ल्याउनुपर्छ .
शेरे : हैन मैले १००% ल्याउछु, बा
बाउ : मजाक नगर्न, छोरा ,
शेरे : सुरु कसले गरेको थियो...मजाक .......

शेरे र हर्के class 8 मा पढ्दा रहेछन
भर्खर परिक्षा सुरु भयेको पनि 2/3 दिन भयो

शेरे: भोलिको परिक्षा चाहि राम्रो संग दिनु पर्छ
आज रातभरि पढौ है

हर्के: हुन्छ

पढ्दा पढ्दै समय बितेको थाहै भयेनछ ।

हर्के :ओई शेरे कति बज्यो

शेरे फुत्त बाहिर गयेर पल्लो घरको छानामा ढुङ्गा हान्यो

पल्लो घरको आन्टि सराप्दै बाहिर निस्किन
तलाई मर्न न सकेको र्मुकुटा फटा बदमाश रातको 3
बजि सक्यो अझै सुतेको छैनस ।

शेरे: थाहा पाईस हर्के कति बजेछ ।

महिलाहरु चढेको बस पल्टिएछ । सबै महिला मरेछन ।
सबैका लोग्ने १-१ घन्टा रोएछ्न ।
तर शेरे २ घन्टा रोएछ
किनकी त्यो बसमा शेरेको बुढी चढेकी रहिनछ

शेरेकी बुढिले बच्चा पाएछिन बच्चा छोरी पाएसी । शेरेले बुढिलाई भन्यो : . . . शेरे : बुढि यो छोरी को ठाउँमा छोरा भएको भए कति राम्रो हुनएथ्यो हगि ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . हुन्छ शाला राम्रो खुब नापेर तेरो आश गरेको भा यो छोरी पनि हुने थिएन ।

Girl to शेरे: त्यो कुन चिज हो जो गाईसँग चार ओटा हुन्छ म संग दुइ ओटा मात्र छ ..? शेरे : खुट्टा, Girl : त्यो के हो जो तिम्रो पेन्टमा छ तर मेरो पेन्टमा छैन ?. शेरे: पैसा. Girl : त्यो के हो जो दिनमा garnu सट्टा मान्छेहरु राति ओछ्यानमा गर्छन ? शेरे: निन्द्रा पुरा गर्छन. girl : त्यो के हो जुन पहिलो चोटी भएर होला दुखेपछि दुखी को आवाज दिन्छन ..आह! आह !गरेर ? शेरे:कान छेडेको बेला .... MORAL : सबैले शेरेको जस्तै सकारात्मक सोच राख्नु पर्छ l

शेरे र हर्के class 8 मा पढ्दा रहेछन
भर्खर परिक्षा सुरु भयेको पनि 2/3 दिन भयो
शेरे: भोलिको परिक्षा चाहि राम्रो संग दिनु पर्छ
आज रातभरि पढौ है
हर्के: हुन्छ
पढ्दा पढ्दै समय बितेको थाहै भयेनछ ।
हर्के :ओई शेरे कति बज्यो.
शेरे फुत्त बाहिर गयेर पल्लो घरको छानामा ढुङ्गा हान्यो
पल्लो घरको आन्टि सराप्दै बाहिर निस्किन
तलाई मर्न न सकेको र्मुकुटा फटा बदमाश रातको 3
बजि सक्यो अझै सुतेको छैनस।
शेरे: थाहा पाईस हर्के कति बजेछ ।

गफाडि शेरे,छेरे र हेरे एकदिन कस्को बाउ अग्लो भन्ने मा गफ दिदै थे ।।
छेरे :- यार मेरो बाउत हिमाल भन्दा अग्लो छ ।
हेरे :- आछि तेरो बाउ तेति मात्र मेरो बाउले त आकाश को बादल पन्साउँछ ।
( अब सेरे लाई आपत परेछ आकास भन्दा अग्लो अरु चिज नभएको ले सेरे ले दिमाग लाउँदै हेरे लाई भनेछ......)
शेरे :- ओई तेरो बाउ ले वादल पन्साउदा गिलो गिलो भेटेको थियो ???
हेरे :- हो हो भेटेको थियो ।। :)
शेरे :- हो त्यो मेरो बाउको g**da हो !
(अब भन्नु सेरेको बाउ कति अग्लो हाहाहा)

फोन मा
शेरे :हैन ए मुकुन्दे सबै भन्दा बढि नशा के मा छ था छ?;-)
मुकुन्दे: थाहा छ नी!
शेरे: के मा छ लु भन्त?:-P
मुकुन्दे: रक्सि मा।
शेरे: हैन मुला!
मुकुन्दे: ऊसो भए भाङ मा"
शेरे: हैन"
मुकुन्दे: ऊसो भए केटी मा!
शेरे: हैन मुला"!
मुकुन्दे: त्यसो भए चै माया मा!"
शेरे: हे हैन-"
मुकुन्दे: मुला ; यो भन्दा नि मिलेन भन्छ, ऊ भन्दा नि मिलेन भन्छ"लु तै भन्त के मा छ??
शेरे: सबै भन्दा बढि नशा किताब मा छ नि मुला* शाला पल्टायो कि झुम्म निन्द्रा लाग्छ यार

शेरे ले एउटा हस्पिटल कि नर्स सङ बिबाह गर्यो !!!
भोलि पल्ट,
मैले भने > हैन हौ शेरे तेरो हिजो सुहागरात चै कसरी बित्यो नि ?

शेरे हल्का बिच्किदै ....

लास्तै खत्तम तरिका ले यार 
जब सम्म सिस्टर भनेर बोलाइन मैले तब सम्म त कुरै नै गरिन नि म सङ्ग

बिर्खे र शेरे एकदिन ठुलो पसल चोर्न
गएछन् । पसल बाट एक एक झोला सामान
हतारै प्याक गरेर घर पुगे ।
घर पुगे पछि ब्याग खोलेछन बिर्खेले
चाहि एक झोलै पैसा खाँदेको रहेछ तर
शेरेको झोलामा चाहि झोले
भरी खुकुरी चुरोट मात्र रहेछ तब बिर्खे
रिसाउदै शेरे लाई गालि गर्छ
बिर्खे :- ओ शेरे तँ
कस्तो लाटा तेरो बुद्यी यार हामिले
त्यति दु:ख गरेर चोर्न गयौँ मैले
एत्रो पैसा ल्याउँदा तँईलेचाहि मात्र
चुरोट ?
शेरेले चोरोटमा लेखेको देखाउँदै
शेरे :- तँ अहिले बुझ्दैनस
यो भनेको साहसीको एक मात्र

Shere ek din Lift maa jaadai thiyo. Uu sangai aru 2 jana keti pani thii. Keti haru aafno perfume ko kura gardai thiye.
Euti le vani:- Mero ta Cobra perfume Rs 7000.
Arki le vani:- mero ta jhan jasmine perfume Rs 8000.
Teti nai bela lift maa kehi ganauna thaalyo. Dubai keti harule mask lagaaye. Ani shere le vanyo:- mero ta mula, jamma 5 rupaiya kilo.

Shere(mundre lai gaali gardai):- saale ta jasto murkha maanxe ta maile ahile samma dekheko xaina.
Mundre:- jasto sukai vaye pani ta vanda ta baatho nai xu.
Shere:- la vann ta . Baato maa 500 ra 1000 ko note vetis vane kun chahi tipxas?
Mundre:- 1000 ko tipxu ni.
Shere:- ho, tehi vayera talai murkha vaneko maile. Ma vaako vaye ta dubai tipthe.

Shere le ek din bike liyera jaada traffic le samaatyo.
Traffic:- 200 rupaiya nikaal.
Shere:- ke vayo ra dai?
Traffic:- saale, bike chalauda helmet lagaunu pardaina.
Shere:- helmet lagaunai birsexu.
Bholi palta pani shere lai tei traffic le samaatexa.
Traffic:- 200 rupaiya nikaal.
Shere:- kina ra aja ke vayo? Aja ta helmet pani lagaako xu.
Traffic:- helmet ta lagais ni. Bike khoi ta.
Shere:- laaa, bike lyaunai birsexu.

Shere:-mero 4 ota xora haru xan.
Euta MBA,
Arko MA,
Arko Phd
Arko chahi chor sala.
Mundre:-teso vaye tyo chor lai ghar bata nikaal dena ta.
Shere:-tei chai pheri kamauxa baaki ta sab berojgar.

Ek din shere paint silauna tailor vaata gayexa.
Shere:- paint silaako kati ho bhai?
Men:- 800.
Shere:- ani half-paint silaako ni?
Men:- 200.
Shere:- teso vaye euta half-paint silai dinus. Tara lambai vane khutta samma hunu parxa.

wife on Valentine's day: vana na ma timlaai k gift diu?
Shere: Sadhai malaai Maya gara...namra vaera
bola‚ malaai nahepa‚ ani malaai sadhai respect gara!
Gift chaaidaina..
Wife: Naai ma ta gift nai dinxu!

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