I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised to hear it.
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Q: Why did God create Adam first and Eve as second?
A: Because he wasn’t interested in listening to anyone telling him how to make Adam.
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A boy asked his father, "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father grimly replied, "I wouldn’t know son, I'm still not done paying for it."
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A mother thinks there’s something strange going on and eventually decides to take a DNA test.
She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her husband at all.
Wife: "Darling, there’s something really important that we need to talk about. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child."
Husband: "Of course he isn’t, don’t you remember? We were just leaving the hospital and the baby pooped hugely so you told me, ‘Go and change the baby, I’ll wait here.’”
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I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years. She hates to be interrupted.“
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Oh, I didn’t expect you at work today Mr. Brundy, isn’t it your
mother-in-law’s funeral today?”
“Well you know how it is.Work first, then fun.”
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Mom, what does the stork do once he’s delivered the baby?
He lies on the couch, drinks beer, watches TV, burps and farts.
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85% of married life consists of yelling "what?" from the other side of the house.
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“What the hell, are you insane?!”
„What? Why? I thought we agreed we’re going to throw our sorrows overboard on this Caribbean cruise!”
“Yes, Roger, but this was my mother!”
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A neighbor comes to Mr Myer and says, “Your dog bit my mother in law!”
Mr Myer is horrified and apologizes, adding sadly, “You’ll probably be wanting financial recompense, won’t you?”
“Absolutely not!” smiles the neighbor, “I’d love to buy the dog!”
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She: "Honey, I don't like you with the new glasses on."
He: "But sweetheart, I don't wear any glasses."
She: "True, but I do."
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When a woman says something like “Do what you want” – seriously dude, don’t do what you want. Stand still as a statue. No blinking. Play dead.
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"I got lost."
-
"Where are you?"
-
"In the car."
Ladies and gentlemen - I present to you my wife!
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I heard people say you can’t live without love.
-
I still think oxygen ranks higher.
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A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.
The husband is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you women are at it for two hours at least!"
"Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."
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A man simply doesn’t have a clue what real happiness is until he gets married.
But then it’s already too late for him.
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My wife told me to go and get something that would make her look sexy. So I got drunk.
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Quote:
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman
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A man and a woman are having a date.
The woman remarks, “You know, you look totally like my third husband!”
The man is startled and asks, “Really, Laura, how many times have you been married?!”
“Twice.”
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A woman says, I don’t know what he’s complaining about. I made him a millionaire!
And what was he before?
A billionaire.
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My wife whispered in my ear today that she’s not wearing any underwear. Oh boy, now she’s already growing forgetful.
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“Oh no, Roger, why did you two split up?”
“She’s a liar and a cheat! She said she was the whole night and her sister’s!”
“So? Maybe she was.”
“Yeah, no way. I was the whole night at her sister’s!”
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My wife wants to talk to me about my childish behavior.
-
Well, she may want all she likes, but she’s not getting inside my pillow castle without a password!
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A man sits in a restaurant and cries. The waiter comes and asks what happened.
The man replies: “My wife told me that she wouldn’t talk to me for a month.”
The waiter replies, “Oh no, that’s horrible!”
Man: “Yes!!! (Sobs) Today that month is over.”
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My wife told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.
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Sugar, can you lend me 15 dollars? I want to buy a case of beer.
No darling. I wanted to buy myself some make-up because I want to look pretty for you.
Sugar, that’s exactly why I wanted to buy those beers.
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Arguing with your husband is fun, even if he wins... he loses.
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Women are saints. They forgive you even when you’re not guilty!
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Why do they call it the “mother tongue”? Because the man never gets to put a word in.
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A scientific study discovered that women with extra weight usually live longer than men who point it out.
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An elderly couple:
“Jim, I just cannot fall asleep…”
Jim: “The evil never sleeps.”
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Men who ignore their wives’ raised eyebrows are losing valuable time in which to escape.
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One easy step to lose an argument with a wife: 1) Argue.
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