Why does psychoanalysis work quicker with men than with women? Because when it's time to return to one’s childhood, the man is already there.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her … Why can’t you do the same?”
“Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it called the PMS?
Because the Mad Cow Disease was taken.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was looking for that thing that peels potatoes, apples and carrots.
I’ve asked my kids if they had any idea. Apparently she left 2 days ago.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don’t think you can trust anything that bleeds for five days and yet doesn’t die.Five Qualities of a Good Woman:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. You should have a woman who works at home, who cooks, keeps things tidy and has a job.
2. You should have a woman who can make you smile and laugh.
3. You should have a woman you can trust, a woman who never lies to you.
4. You should have a woman who is good in bed and enjoys spending time with you.
5. And you should always, always keep these four women from ever meeting each other.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The most successful wives don’t just randomly select their husbands. They pick them. Clean to the bone.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My new wife left me because of my huge insecurity problems.
Oh no, hang on, she’s back. She just went to the bathroom!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend got herself a puppy. It’s so incredibly cute and playful! Unfortunately her husband is allergic so it really doesn’t work out.
If you’re interested, please send a message. His name is Marcel, he’s 54 years old and he weighs 216 pounds.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Judge: Why on Earth did you hit your husband with a chair?
-
Wife: Because the table was too heavy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women are so funny sometimes. They think that their long silences or “I won’t talk to you” attitudes is actually a punishment.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
‘Darling, would you save me if I jumped into the water?'
‘Honey, if I say yes, will you jump?'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband asks his wife:
-
If I died, would you marry again?
-
Oh darling, of course I wouldn’t. I’d go and live with my sister. And if I died, would you remarry?
-
No, I think I’d go and live with your sister too.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fortune teller asks a woman: “So, you came to know your husband’s future?”
“No way, tell me about his past, then I’ll decide about his future!!”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If it's true that girls will probably marry men who resemble their fathers, it would explain why so many mothers cry at weddings.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good news: Your wife is pregnant, yay!
Bad news: She’s expecting triplets.
Terrible news: You’ve had vasectomy…
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good news: Your wife won’t talk to you.
Bad news: She wants a divorce.
Terrible news: She’s a lawyer…
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman visits a well-known witch. She asks the witch if she has something to help her break a curse that was cast against her about 8 years ago. The witch asks, “What sort of a curse was it, then?” The woman said, “It went, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife’.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
”If you and I were on a sinking ship, and there was but one life vest... I cannot express how much I would miss you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They say a minute of laughter adds five minutes to your life.
That explains why God, after having created Man, lives forever.
Tags:
jokes