Showing posts with label Stories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stories. Show all posts
A woman drove to the local grocery store to buy a turkey to prepare for Thanksgiving dinner.

She was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her entire family.

So, she asked a stock boy, "Excuse me, do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.
When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.

A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was lost in the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried towards ‘the object' only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban fighter asked, "Do you have water?!"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban fighter shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"Okay" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom".
Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

John lives his life by statistics and is afraid to fly. One day his friend, Bill, asks him, "Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?"
"Irrational?" John replies, "Not at all. I've merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it's much too high for my comfort."
A few days later, Bill boarded a flight only to find John sitting in the seat right next to him.
"What happened? Have the odds changed?"
"No," John replied. "The odds of a bomb being on a plane haven't changed. But I calculated the odd of two bombs being on a plane, and I found those odds much more acceptable. So now I just bring my own."

A student got in trouble during class and was sent to the principal's office for the first time.
The principal says to him, "What's your name, son?"
The student replies: "T-T-T-on-on-on-tony, Sir."
The principal looks up and asks him, "Oh, do you have a stutter?"
The student replies, "No sir, my dad has a stutter. The guy who registered my name was a jerk."

An Uber passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look man, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver – I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

A man walks into a bar with his dog.

"This is a talking dog. If this dog can answer my questions, who will buy me a drink?" he asks.

"You can have one on the house," the bartender says.

The man turns to his dog. "What goes on the top of a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "What does tree bark feel like?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who is the greatest baseball player ever?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

The bartender is clearly annoyed and snaps at the man. "That's enough. You and your dog, get out."

After the man and the dog are thrown out, the dog looks sadly at his owner. "Should I have said DiMaggio?"

Popular Posts

Popular Posts

Featured Post

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach. The marriage counselor, trying to be creat...