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Here are some bad Christmas Jokes.

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can 'ho ho ho'!

Why did Santa go to the doctor?
Because of his bad "elf"!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had a low "elf" esteem!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

What do you call a cat in the desert?
Sandy Claws!

Who delivers presents to cats?
Santa Paws!

What do you call a dog who works for Santa?
Santa Paws!

What do you call Father Christmas in the beach?
Sandy Clause!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues!

What did the sea Say to Santa?
Nothing! It just waved!

What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!

How you can tell that Santa is real?
You can always sense his presents!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Santa Jaws

What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!

What goes Ho Ho Whoosh, Ho Ho Whoosh?
Santa going through a revolving door!

What goes Ho, Ho, Ho, thump?
Santa laughing his head off!

What is Santa's favorite place to deliver presents?

Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it 'soots' him!

Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley!

What's Santa's favorite type of music?

What do you call Santa's little helpers?
Subordinate clauses!

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet!

What did Santa say to the smoker?
Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!

Where does Santa go when he's sick?
To the elf center!

What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nickel-less!

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
Santa Clues!

Why is Santa so good at karate?
Because he has a black belt!

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?

Where do elves go to dance?
Christmas Balls!

What do elves eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes or Ice Crispies!

What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling?
An elfcicle!

What kind of cars do elves like to drive?
A Toy-ota!

Who is the king of Santa's rock and roll helpers?
Elfis! (Thank you, thank you very much!)

What type of Shoes does Santa wear when he travels on a train?

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Krisp Kringle!

Who is Santa Claus married to?
Mary Christmas!

Who is Santa's least favorite reindeer?

How long do a reindeers legs have to be?
Long enough so they can touch the ground!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?

Who is the Music Elf's favorite reindeer?

What do elves post on Social Media?

Which of Santa’s reindeers have to mind their manners most?

why don't reindeer like picnics?
Because of all their ant-lures!

What do you get when you cross a deer with rain?
A reindeer!

Where do Santa's reindeer stop for coffee?

What's worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?
Frosty the snowman with a hot flush!

Did Rudolph go to school?
No. He was Elf-taught!

Why did the Rudolph cross the road?
Because he was tied to the chicken!

What do you call Rudolph with lots of snow in his ears?
Anything you want, he can't hear you!

What did Santa ask Rudolph about the weather?
Is it going to rain dear?!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because he wasn't chicken!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!

What happened to the turkey at Christmas?
It got gobbled!

Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle

How does a snowman get to work?
By icicle!

What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Iceburgers or Brrrr-itos!

When is a boat just like snow?
When its adrift!

What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!

What did one snowman say to the other?
I couldn't hear them, so I have snow-idea!

Why was the snowman rummaging in the bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose!

Why is winter a snowman's favorite time of year?
It is when a snowman can camouflage!

Where do snowmen keep their money?
In a snowbank!

What do snowmen like to do on the weekend?

What do you call a snowman who vacations in the tropics?
A puddle!

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder!

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
They always drop their needles!

What do fish sing at Christmas time?
Christmas Corals!

What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament?
Quit hanging around!

What is a Christmas Tree's favorite candy?

What do you get when you cross a pine cone and a polar bear?
A fur tree!

Why wouldn't the cat climb the Christmas tree?
It was afraid of the bark.

Why didn't the rope get any Christmas presents?
It was knotty!

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that's deep pan, crisp and even!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!

How does Christmas Day end?
With the letter 'Y'!

How many letters are in the angelic alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has "no EL"!

What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?
Cross Mouse Cards!

Why do cats take so long to wrap presents?
They want them to be purr-fect!

What is the best xmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

What are the best Christmas sweaters made from?
Fleece Navidad!

How did Scrooge with the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed!

What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

What is the worst disease that you get at Christmas?

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes 'ribbet ribbet'?
A Mistle-toad!

What's the most popular Christmas wine?
'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

Why do ghosts live in the fridge?
Because it's cool!

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days!

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!

Why are Christmas Trees like bad knitters? They keep loosing their needles!

What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
A pineapple!

What did one Christmas tree say to the other Christmas tree?
"I wish Christmas would last forever because there would be no Sep-timber!"

What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?

Where does Mistletoe go to become famous?
"Holly" wood!

What's the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?
Your teeth!

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells!

Where would you find chili beans?
At the north pole!

Why is everyone so thirsty at the north pole?
No well, no well!

Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're not tall enough to be pilots!

What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!

What do sheep say at Christmas?
Wool-tide Bleatings! or A Merry Christmas to Ewe!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?

Which football team did the baby Jesus support?
Manger-ster United!

How did Mary & Joseph know how much Jesus weighted when he was born?
There was a weight in a manger!

What do you call a three legged donkey?
A wonky donkey!

What type of key do you need for a Nativity play?
A don-key!

How did one shepherd make the other shepherd laugh?
He played a sheep trick on him!

What did one Angel say to the other?
Halo there!

What's the name of the one horse in "Jingle Bells"?
Bob. (Bells on Bob's tail ring!)

What is the most competitive season?

Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
Because there's wrapping!

Children: This turkey tastes like an old sofa!
Mom: Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Pudding who?
Pudding in your face!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Harold who?
Hark the Harold Angels Sing!

Santa went to the Doctors with a problem.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem?
Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!
Doctor: Well your in luck because I've got just the cream for that!

Christmas One-liners

Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots."!

Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

There were two biscuits, on a plate, all ready for Santa to eat. One biscuit decided to go and hide in the biscuit tin as it didn't want to get eaten. As it was going to the kitchen, Santa came in and stood on it and all the other biscuit could say was 'Crumbs'!.

teacher student jokes

Teacher: can anyone name three Kings that brought happiness and peace to earth?
Student: drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king!

Girls with Curly Hair Vs. Girls with Straight Hair. I wish I had straight hair. I wish I had Curly Hair. Boys: I just want hair on my head.

Girls with Curly Hair Vs. Girls with Straight Hair

I'm not a bird expert, but I guess there are 4 female birds in this pictures
I'm not a bird expert, but I guess there are 4 female birds in this pictures

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.

The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.


.the other is used to carry groceries.

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy."Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half-hour ago."

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandary.

.. He felt different yet.

.. couldn't figure why.

.. he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers.

.. He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name.


The chief answered in his typically poetic way.

.."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest.

.. and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."Then, the boy said to the Chief.

.. And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky.


The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name.

.. And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.


. White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy.

.."Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

British Military Officer Fitness ReportsThe British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's".



- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion, this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma."Elation," said she."And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?" "I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."

He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't you wait up for me."

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

जिस तरह अच्छी हवा, अच्छा खानपान किसी भी इंसान के सेहतमंद रहने के लिए जरूरी होता है, उसी प्रकार आपकी हंसी भी आपको स्वस्थ रखने में अहम भूमिका निभाती है। अगर आप सुबह-शाम हंसने की आदत डाल लें तो कोई भी बीमारी, चाहे मानसिक हो या शारीरिक आपके पास भी नहीं आएगी। इसीलिए हम आपके लिए कुछ ऐसे मजेदार चुटकुले लेकर आए हैं, जिन्हें पढ़ने के बाद आप हंसते-हंसते लोटपोट हो जाएंगे। तो चलिए शुरू करते हैं हंसने-हंसाने का ये सिलसिला...
बहुत बड़े बोर्ड पर सुंदर लड़की का मिक्सर के साथ फोटो था और लिखा था- 'एक्सचेंज ऑफर'
पति बहुत देर से वो बोर्ड गौर से देख रहा था।
यह देखकर पत्नी बड़े ही 'नम्रतापूर्वक' बोली-
'घर चलिए। ऑफर सिर्फ मिक्सर पर है।'

टीचर ने पप्पू से कहा - मैं दो वाक्य दूंगा और तुझे उसमें अंतर बताना है।
पहला वाक्य - उसने बर्तन धोए।
दूसरा वाक्य - उसे बर्तन धोने पड़े।
पप्पू - पहले वाक्य में कर्ता शादीशुदा नहीं है और दूसरे वाक्य में कर्ता मैरिड (शादीशुदा) है।
पप्पू गुस्से से लाल पीला होता हुआ होटल वाले पर चिल्लाया-
मेरा ऑर्डर क्यों नहीं आया अभी तक उल्लू के पट्ठे?
वेटर - सर, पहले आप नम्रता से बात कीजिए...
पप्पू - कहां है बुलाओ उसे...

एक प्रश्न : पत्नी क्या है ?
उत्तर : पत्नी उस शक्ति का नाम है जिसके घूरने भर से देखने पर टिंडे की सब्ज़ी में पनीर का स्वाद आने लगता है...
टीचर :- न्यूटन का नियम बताओ..
लड़का:- सर पूरी लाइन तो याद नहीं,, लास्ट का याद है.
टीचर :- चलो लास्ट का ही सुनाओ
लड़का : …और इसे ही न्यूटन का नियम कहते हैं..

पत्नी – मै मायके तभी जाउंगी , जब आप मुझे छोड़ने आओगे
पति – मंजूर है पर वादा करो कि घर भी तुम तभी आओगी, जब मैं तुम्हे लेने आऊंगा
सर ने क्लास में पूछा : एक महान वैज्ञानिक का नाम बताओ?
लड़का: आलिया भट्ट !
सर: छड़ी हाथ में लेकर…..यही सीखे हो?
दूसरा: ये तोतला है सर, आर्यभट्ट बोल रहा है…

पत्नी : प्लीज मेरी तरफ मुह करके सो जाओ…. मुझे डर लग रहा हे…..
पति : अच्छा!! बस अपनी ही चिंन्ता है… मैं भले ही डर डर के मर जाऊं

Pardesi Pardesi Lyrics - Raja Hindustani
Pardesi Pardesi Jana Nahi | Funny song || Best funny song

Har phal meri yaad
tumhe tadpayegi
Main jaagoonga
neend tumhe na aayegi

Har phal meri yaad
tumhe tadpayegi
Main jaagoonga
neend tumhe na aayegi

Chhod ke aise haal mein jo
tum jaaoooge
Sach kehta hoon jaan
bahut pachhtaaoge

Pardesi mere yaara..
mujhe na rulaana
Tum yaad rakhna
kahin bhool na jaana

Pardesi pardesi jaana nahin
Mujhe chhod ke haye mujhe chhod ke

Pardesi pardesi jaana nahin
Mujhe chhod ke haye mujhe chhod ke

Maine tum ko chaaha
tumse pyaar kiya
Sub kuch tum pe yaar
apna vaar diya

Maine tum ko chaaha
tumse pyaar kiya
Sub kuch tum pe yaar
apna vaar diya

Ban gaya jogi maine preet da jog liya
Na socha na samjha dil
ka rog liya

Pardesi mere yaara..
laut ke aana
Tum yaad rakhna
kahin bhool na jaana

Pardesi pardesi jaana nahin
Mujhe chhod ke haye mujhe chhod ke

Pardesi pardesi jaana nahin
Mujhe chhod ke haye mujhe chhod ke

Kids Play That Goes Wrong

Samsad Baithak Hangama at Nepal | congress VS communist parliaments KP S...

Samsad Baithak

प्रधानमन्त्रीको आक्रोश

प्रतिपक्षीको हंगामाले संसद बन्यो रणमैदान


Samsad Hangama

congress VS communist parliaments

Bhale Judai, Best game, Funny time pass game, Nepali Bhale Judai game, Nepali boys playing games,

Mukbang Eating Show Octopus

산낙지 먹방 たこ 낙지탕탕이,낙지라면

Real sounds Eating show!!

Viral Video at Pashupatinath Temple | Funny Video near Pashupatinath

Chotu Dada Playing Gilli Danda | Chotu Dada Comedy Video

Chotu dada ka gilli danda, chotu ka gilli danda, chotu playing gilli danda, Chotu dada, chotu dada play gilli danda,

Chotu dada, Chotu dada murgi chor,Hindi comedy, murgi chor, comedy story,छोटू मुर्गी चोर,छोटू मुर्गी चोर फुल कमेडी, trending video, viral video 2019, Chotu bhai, chotu dada fan club, viral comedy,

#ChotuDada #ChotuDadaComedy #MurgiChorChotu

comedy Chotu Dada New Comedy Video

छोटू मुझसे शादी करेगी

छोटू की दीवार CHOTU KI DEEWAR Khandesh Hindi Comedy Video Chotu Comedy

CHOTU KE RASGULLE | छोटू के रसगुल्ले | Khandesh Hindi Comedy | Chotu Comedy Video | Chotu dada funny

CHOTU KE RASGULLE,छोटू के रसगुल्लें, Khandesh Hindi Comedy,chotu chai wala,chotu ka nariyal pani,chotu samose wala,chotu rekhsha wala,chotu dada comedy2019,chotu dada latest,chotu new comedy video,chotu murgi chor,chotu paan wala,chotu ka best video, chotu dada

छोटू की दीवार CHOTU KI DEEWAR Khandesh Hindi Comedy Video Chotu Comedy

CHOTU KE RASGULLE | छोटू के रसगुल्ले | Khandesh Hindi Comedy | Chotu Comedy Video | Chotu dada funny

CHOTU KE RASGULLE,छोटू के रसगुल्लें, Khandesh Hindi Comedy,chotu chai wala,chotu ka nariyal pani,chotu samose wala,chotu rekhsha wala,chotu dada comedy2019,chotu dada latest,chotu new comedy video,chotu murgi chor,chotu paan wala,chotu ka best video, chotu dada


You can watch a great deal of interesting puppies recordings, entertaining feline recordings, amusing canines, and felines gathering, clever pet recordings thus other entertaining creatures recordings consistently

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Numb Official Video


girl you got me shook

from the way your body looks

got me writing hooks

got me feeling like a rook

I don’t do it by the book

but for you I’ll take a look

don’t know what your momma took

sweet and spicy like a cook

I’ll keep it real

let’s make a deal

buy you a meal if you just let me feel

get out your heels

grab on the wheel

back to my place at the top of the hill

don’t have regrets

I know what’s next

she need to fresh up be back in a sec

look at them legs

don’t make me beg

back to the room let me show you my bed yea

touching on your body feels like taking on a drug

you got me feeling good yea you got me feeling numb

everything you do, I can’t seem to get enough

you got me feeling good yea you got me feeling numb

I could look at you all day

watch the way them hips sway

love your body so I pray

don’t you dare take it away

can’t control what I say

lost my mind cuz your frame

 hey girl what’s your name?

lit me up just like a flame

body in motion

I feel the commotion

be on you like lotion

I’m honest and broken

I flow like the ocean

I feel you were chosen

to fix me I’m open

my heart that you stolen


stay with me

play with me

lay with me

hate to see

when you leave

chemistry feels like it’s destiny

I just want you laying next to me,

and I really don’t want you to ever leave

touching on your body feels like taking on a drug

you got me feeling good yea you got me feeling numb

everything you do, I can’t seem to get enough

you got me feeling good yea you got me feeling numb

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